My Story
The dream planted in my head since I was a small child was to go to college, find a good man to marry, settle down, have kids, and faithfully serve the church as we grew old together. Although there’s nothing inherently wrong with this dream, it created a disillusion in my head of what it meant to be successful in my own life.
I followed the rule book. I went to college, found a good man, got married, and settled down with him. Love was a part of our lives, and we partnered together as we built our life. However, we weren’t prepared for all the twists and turns that life would take us. We weren’t prepared for how to handle the philosophical differences we discovered about each other. We also weren’t prepared for how to deal with deep pain and loss.
The challenges we both faced, changed us as individuals. We still had love, but after 8 years of struggling to make things work, we finally realized that it wasn’t enough for a fulfilling marriage.
Out of a desire to be financial secure, my husband refused to allow us to have children until we had been married for six years. After trying for a year, we discovered he was unable to conceive naturally. We both had a heart for children, so we decided to pursue adoption. After a year of working through the home study process, and waiting for expectant mothers to choose us out of hundreds of profiles, I became restless and depressed.
I began questioning everything in my life, including my spiritual beliefs. At the time we were both heavily involved in our church as leaders. I began working with the preschool program and soon found myself doing only that, as I found no joy in attending the services or socializing with people who seemed to have it all together.
My heart was hurting in the deepest ways and I didn’t know where to even begin untangling all that pain. I became emotionally and sexually distant from my husband, making daily life a mundane routine instead of the zestful life we both desired so much.
The challenges we faced with infertility, sexual chemistry, and spiritual alignment caught up with us. I struggled so deeply with a lack of fulfillment in myself and my life, that I became intolerably irritable and very difficult to live with. Eventually I found myself having emotional affairs with other men, looking for any string of hope that I wasn’t worthless. The final straw for my husband was my physical infidelity with a coworker.
The divorce itself was not difficult. My husband was gracious and kind through the entire process, knowing that this is what needed to happen for both of us to find the happiness we had been searching for.
Being on my own. Surviving with no support group. Living a life where I had to fight every day to believe in my own worthiness, that was the hardest part. I finally had to face my demons, because my life truly depended on it. I had no one to pull me out of the pit, but myself. So it was time to stand up and fight.
I did find freedom in the ability to make my own decisions about life and how I wanted to live. Many mistakes were made on this journey to self discovery, but thankfully I found an amazing dance community that wrapped their arms around me. They encouraged and challenged me as I continued to struggle to find who I really was. Most importantly, I never felt judgement or shame from them. They accepted me for who I was, ugliness and all.
As I continued to explore new habits, new interests, and new philosophies, my confidence in myself grew. I relied heavily on books, podcasts, and friends to help me find my way. I also saw several therapists through this period to help me sort through the emotional bondage of my past.
This was incredibly hard work that took effort every single day. Many days I despaired and wondered what had become of my life. I found ways to deal with this despair in a healthy way; though art, music, and dance were my favorite outlets. Feeling more refreshed having felt my emotions fully, I would wake up the next day and choose to live that day as fully as I could. This was my motto. Every day is a new day. You only get one life to live and be authentically you.
Although life is always full of ups and downs, and the future is never what you expect, I can honestly say that I have found the tools and support group I need to help me live my best life and be truly authentic. For the first time in my life I’m living free and purposeful, following MY dreams, and comfortable in my own skin.